Studies of Animal Humor

Moose Does Fast Food

2006-08-23T13:57:00.000-07:00

What we need to know: How did the moose get it's antlers into the drive-through window, and how will it get them out? Also, what did it order?

Narcoleptic Dauchshund

2006-08-17T13:17:00.001-07:00

Dodgers, LL and I recently viewed a documentary about dog breeding. One problem with selective breeding is that otherwise perfect dogs can end up with bizzare diseases, such as narcolepsy. We were dumbfounded to watch a dauchshund, not unlike this one, who fell asleep while trotting down a corridor. It was simultaneously tragic and freaking hilarious. What do you think? Is canine narcolepsy funny or sad?

Nonconformity

2006-06-24T00:56:00.000-07:00

It is a distinctly human attribute, and an odd one at that, that we all want to belong, which requires a certain amount of conformity, but we also want to be individuals, which requires originality. So tell me, is this squirrel a conformist, or nonconformist?

Implicaure 2

2006-06-01T00:18:00.000-07:00

AMS pointed out that what we get out of a humorous sample is subjective. What is the implicature in this photo? I can think of several that explain the humor, my favorite being that the bear fell because he couldn't read the sign. Ah, if only our schools were funded better, we could focus on such social necesities as bear literacy.

Implicatures

2006-05-30T01:23:00.000-07:00

I am/was a Linguistics student, and when we talk about implicatures, we talk about what a certain utterance implies. For example, the statement "Mary lost the love of her life" implies that she had previously had him, that she's probably sad about it, that she loved him more than any other person, etc. The abouve picture is heavy in implicatues. What can we deduce from it, and why are the implicatures funny?

When Lizards Retire

2006-05-18T03:04:00.000-07:00

After a lifetime of the daily grind, a lizard deserves to put on a flannel shirt, sit in a rocker on the porch, and yell at neighborhood kids to get off his lawn.

Dachsunds

2006-05-16T13:24:00.000-07:00

Do you find this hillarious? If so, why? If not, why do you think that someone would bother photoshopping this?

Squirrel's got the right temperature

2006-05-08T22:35:00.000-07:00

Napalm, anyone? Chester here likes fire. Chester likes guns. How could his two loves be deliciously combined? FLAMETHROWER! Pilot light+condensed gasoline+trigger finger=happiness. I checked the math.

the Guardian - Part 5

2006-05-04T23:07:00.000-07:00

Florae bobbed in the waters until the boat was over the horizon, yelling profanities all the while. Just as she finished a rather colourful description of MacAbre's mother, a seahorse poped its wee little head above the surface.

"Florae," said the seahorse, "I'm Rueben. I'll be your trial procter. Are you ready to begin?"

"Why do I need a trial, Rueben?" answered a less than cherry Florae.

"If you prove yourself worthy, you will receive the special powers that you need in order to guard your bridge."

"Very will, do it, then."

"All right, what is seventeen plus three?"

"Well that's easy. Twenty-one."

Rueben gasped sharply. "How did you know?" he asked. "You are wiser than reports have let on. Only the finest minds know the true answer... Very well, you pass your trial. Follow me."

Rueben dove underwater and Florae followed. They swam a few feet to where a strange sort of sideways whirlpool was located, and swam into it. The swirling waters pushed florae forward at incredible speeds, until she and Ruben surfaced in a lazy stream several hundred feet above a covered bridge.

"You now have your powers, Florae, and yonder is the bridge that is yours to guard."

"Guard it from what?"

"You already know that," replied the seahorse, and indeed, she did. Her brain felt much fuler than it did before the whirlpool.

"I am to protect it against the enemies of TWT."

"And who are these enemies, Florae?"

"Many."

Graduation

2006-04-26T00:46:00.000-07:00

I had my final grad-check today, so I will indeed graduate next month; thus, it's on my brain. I have yet to see if it will be "worth the hassle."

Meanwhile, why a bear? Why did this artist needlepoint a bear? Are they smarter than the average...animal? Why not a duck? Will someone please needlepoint me a duck!

Taxidermy

2006-04-19T00:48:00.000-07:00

Of Greek origin, this term means "skin arrangement." Is is the stuffing and arranging of dead animal skins into lifelike positions. Opinions? I for one find it creepy, but thought it was worth mentioning because it will probably interest LL. I can see her watching a documentary on the subject, and with a Vulcan-like raising of the eyebrow, utttering the word "fascinating."

Make Your Own Fable

2006-04-15T10:18:00.000-07:00

So this is funny picture number 2, but this time, I'll invite you, the reader, to make up the back story. A short short story or a fable, or whatever.

Not About Animals

2006-04-13T07:28:00.005-07:00

OK, this isn't about animals, but it blew my mind. This is creepy. Have you heard of this? Apparently there is, or was, a 20 year cycle in which presidents would die in office, depending on the year in which they were elected.

- Harrison, elected in 1840, died of pneumonia after serving 31 days.

- Lincoln, elected in 1860, assassinated.

- Garfield, elected in 1880, assassinated.

- McKinley, elected to a second term in 1900, assassinated.

- Harding, elected in 1920, died of a stroke in 1923.

- Roosevelt, elected to a third term in 1940, died of a cerebral hemorrhage in 1945.

- Kennedy, elected in 1960, assassinated.

- Reagan, elected in 1980, failed assassination (maybe he broke the curse.)

- Bush Jr., elected in 2000, ???

And the explanation...

"If Reagan achieved nothing else while in office--and sometimes you have to wonder--he broke the back of the "Tecumseh's curse" legend by leaving office alive. The previous seven presidents elected in years ending with zero weren't so lucky... The "curse" was popularly attributed to the Indian chief Tecumseh, whose forces were defeated in 1811 at the battle of Tippecanoe by troops led by William Henry Harrison, the first of the seven presidents to die. Harrison also led soldiers against Tecumseh at another battle in 1813 during which the Indian leader was killed. An 1836 play had Tecumseh cursing the white man as he lay dying on the battlefield, but there is no evidence that he actually did so. The whole thing was pretty spooky just the same." from The Straight Dope.

Linuz Gazette?

2006-04-12T01:24:00.000-07:00

LL suggested that I could post funny pictures inbetween my bursts of inspiration. I was looking for a picture I had run accross of a penguin destroying a city ala Godzilla, but ended up with this instead. For the record, I never want to google pictures of toilets again. I took one for the team this time, but don't expect any repeats.

6Things I know

2006-04-07T00:18:00.000-07:00

By Guest Blogger ll

1. Humans often find animal humor amusing.
As evidence, I would argue that everyone reading this has in his or her junk email folder at least one forward of inspirational phrases on how life is beautiful or friends make you happy- interspersed with silly animal shots. Here’s an example that somehow got through my filters a few days ago.

Adorable? I don’t think so, but it didn’t piss me off as much as I was anticipating while wasting 5 minutes of my life waiting for my laptop to load the twenty pics inserted in the email. Why is that? Well, I don’t know. But I do know…

2. Most humans find animals delicious.

I happen to know Briam himself enjoys eating steak in public. I’ve witnessed it. I’ve been proud. But this premise has a compliment…

3. Some humans find eating animals disgusting and wrong.
And, according to my research-

4. Some of these humans find vegetarian animal humor amusing.
For example:

(I once knew a girl who was a vegetarian. She was a cow too. She didn’t invite me to her 11th birthday party.)

In fact, there are whole sites devoted to their love of kindness to animals humor. But that doesn’t mean these people are kind or good…

5. Some vegetarians are bad and deviant.

Although, to be fair, Charles Manson isn’t a vegetarian anymore. Which brings me to the sixth thing I know:

6. We must all be open-minded and tolerant when it comes to our vegetarian neighbors, their ways, and their humor.

the Guardian - Part 4

2006-04-04T04:26:00.000-07:00

As the squirrel and the salamander headed south, Florae took a closer look at the small craft they were in. It was constructed of wood and painted dark blue. On the floor of the boat at their feet were several excited clams, who seemed to be chattering amoungst themselves. They were dressed in smart grey business suits and colourful power ties. "They're just along for the ride," explained MacAbre.

They floated lazily in the current. On one of the unused oars were engraved the initials TWT.

"Now that we're underway, I need to explain a few things," said MacAbre. "The bridge that you are to guard is not ordinary. There are only three like it in the world."

"What makes them special?" asked Florae.

"If you will permit me to explain," interrupted one of the clams, "you are to protect it from unauthorized access. and help members of the organisation to use it. And in that vein, I will need you to sign some papers."

The clam turned out to be a lawyer named Smitty, and the papers were all sorts of legal boilerplate. "Smitty" sounds like a fun name, but the clam was actually as fun as the boilerplate. Clams don't tend to have much of a sense of humor, anyways.

It was several hours before all the papers were signed and all the legal matters explained to Florae, who insisted on having all the legalese explained to her by Smitty. She had learned to know what your signing from a book deal that had gone sour a few years before. It turned out she was supposed to be IN the stew.

Florae turned to MacAbre at this point, by which point they were well out to sea. "Now, I want to know what the bridge does, and how a small squirrel is to protect it."

"I can answer your second question now," replied the salamander. "You are going to receive certain powers which will make up for your lack in size."

"When will I receive these powers?"

"Right now," said MacAbre with a glint in his eye. Suddenly the salamander kicked Florae hard with his hind legs, and she found herself bobbing in the undulating Pacific waters.

Which way should the story go? Is being stranded in the ocean a trial to gain her powers? Or is MacAbre just being a jerk? Leave your comments!

the Guardian - Part 3

2006-03-28T00:24:00.000-08:00

4 MONTHS LATER

MacAbre and Florae had been traveling for months. For various reasons, they had found it necesary to walk for most of the way. This was, afer all, South America of the 1920's, and these animals had no money, and no opposible thumbs to stick out.

The reason for their travels was to get back to Florae's own time and place.

The conversations along the way consisted mostly of Florae pumping MacAbre for information, for she had many questions. She wanted to know why she was still corporeal if she had died, she wanted to know how he planed to get them back to her own time, and she wanted him to tell her more about himself. MacAbre was talkative enough, but rather evasive, mostly telling her that the information would be given to her in due time. He also talked about death alot.

He did however let her guess at things, and he would belie the answers through his body language. From this, Florae had deduced that she probably wasn't really dead. that her electrocution was no accident, and that there were forces at work larger than either of them.

It was a foggy silent morning when they finally reached the canal.

"North or south?" asked MacAbre.

You mean we're going to travel on this river?"

"Not a river, Florae. This is the Panama Canal. North will lead us to the Atlantic, and South goes to the Pacific. You make the call."

"But you've been talking about my destiny for the past four months, why do I get to make a choice all of a sudden?"

"You'll realize your destiny through your actions. If you choose north, then it was your destiny to do so. Same for the south."

MacAbre pulled a small craft out of some underbrush, just big enough for the both of them. They went to the water's edge, and MacAbre repeated the question.

"North or south?"

Which way should the story go? Atlantic or Pacific? Was this part a little too philosophical? Leave your comments

the Guardian - Part 2

2006-03-27T00:41:00.000-08:00

"So you died, eh? Electrocution is a bummer," said the salamander.

"Not so much, it actually was rather ticklish," replied Florae. "Who are you, where am I, and what's going on?" Florae tended to be concise.

"I am known as MacAbre. It's a Scottish name. You are in Buenos Aires, Argentina, you've died, and I'm here to show you what's next."

"What about heaven?"

"You'll have time for that later," responded MacAbre. "Now, first we're gonna get you some ñoquis, and then we're gonna watch people die."

"Why?"

"It's part of your training."

"No, I meant why do we have to eat pasta? How about something low carb?"

"Low carb hasn't been invented yet."

THAT EVENING

"Woah! Didja catch the airtime on that one? That guy's toast! Get the putty scraper, there's a mess to tidy up!"

"Ugh, I can't take much more of this," said Florae queasily. "This is extremely depressing, and you've yet to tell me what this training is for."

"Oh, man I was just kidding about that. I just like watching this stuff. You're new job starts next week. You've got a bridge to watch."

"What's so great about watching a bridge?"

Which way should the story go? What is so great about watching a bridge, What greater purpose will she serve? Leave your comments!

the Guardian

2006-03-26T00:34:00.000-08:00

Florae was born into a troubled squirrel family. Her mother had an aversion to nuts, and her father would get drunk off of hummingbird feeders. Her childhood was one of isolation and troubling conversations with imaginary friends. Florae knew she had problems when one of her imaginary friends, beaver, told her she was leaving because she had "gotten too moody."

The rest of her imaginary friends told her the same thing a month later in an intervention.

So with hopes of making her life better throgh a broader world view, Florae left home at the tender age of 11 months. She traveled far and wide, joined a small theatre production in New York, took up smoking in France, quit smoking after she had a lung removed, and became a Buddhist. Then one day her world came to and end.

Florae died.

She was crossing a river on some power cables just outside of Ulan-Bator, Mongolia, when she stepped on a bare patch of wire. Unfortunately, the 60 foot measuring tape she had in her napsack happened to break and burst open at just that moment. Florae watched, as if in slow motion, as one end snaggged on her napsack and the other end fell gracefully to earth. She was grounded, and from the 5 months she had worked as an electrician for Habitats for Humanity, she knew what would come next.

The raw energy that enveloped her was indescribably beautiful. It lifted her soul into a different time, a different place (specifically, Buenos Aires, circa 1920). There on the banks of the Rio de la Plata, she met a being of sublime beauty.

Which way should the story go? What type of animal is she likely to meet? And no, it won't be Carlos Gardel.

the Purpose and the Porpoise - Part 5 (Final)

2006-03-25T01:14:00.000-08:00

ONE WEEK LATER

Stewarth sat at the kitchen table, staring off into space and listing to the television in the next room.

"The near-tragic events of eight days ago are still shrouded in mystery. We still do not know why over two thirds of the world's dolphin population was captured in a matter of hours, nor do we know the name of the mysterious organization that swooped in at the last moment to save the clever species."

Muttering under his breath, he slowly got up and moved towards the television.

"Reports have come in of creatures dressed in dark navy blue suddenly materializing and releasing the giant nets, then dissappearing as quickly as they had come. Many believe that this group of highly organized creatures are also related to last year's Flan Island disast-"

As he clicked the TV off, a dolphin sitting in a nearby chair lowered his newspaper.

"Still adjusting, are we?"

Look, Baul , I-"

"I hope, Stewarth, that one day soon, you'll be able to call me father."

Stewarth glared at him, then left the room. Hate is like the smell of formaldihyde, it takes tomato juice to expunge. Unfortunately, Stewarth hated tomato juice.

Out on the front porch, sulking, a small familiar voice suddenly intruded upon him.

"Was the ability to fly useful?" asked Florae.

"In a way, but I wasn't able to accomplish my goal. Now I'm not even sure if I want to continue with the same goal. My whole life recently has been about one thing: hating dolphins. Now I find out that I've only been hating half of myself. I don't know what to be anymore."

"Have you ever worked on any electrical systems?" said the guardian squirrel.

The guardian squirrel, in her almost infinate sagacity, knew exactly what Stewarth needed: time to find himself.

"No."

"Then come with me. We're going on a little journey. You're gonna love Mongolia."

New Avitar

2006-03-24T03:37:00.000-08:00

So I'm playing around with an actual picture for my profile, this is attempt number 1. It is an animal of my own design that I might call a squirrel. He's holding an acorn, is that obvious?

the Purpose and the Porpoise - Part 4

2006-03-23T00:30:00.000-08:00

Stewarth's mother was named Kiwi (why is another story). She was inside the giant net, suspended in mid air, with her short snout jutting ut. Stewarth was perplexeded at her presence for two reasons. One, the Tuna Co-op had promised that no porpoises would be harmed, and two, he didn't want another lecture about the immorality of genocide. He'd gotten enough of that growing up.

Stewarth's inquiry on how she had come to be in the net was answered in the following manner:

My little Stewbie, I think now it is time to come clean on some facts. When I got caught in this net, I was swimming around with...your father. I know this must be a shock, since I've always told you that your father died when you were small, but the fact of the matter is that your father works for a secret organization and has had to keep his family hidden for our own protection. We've met up whenever we could, always in disguise."

After some moments, in which Stewarth nearly fell out of the air, he responded, "But then how did you and he end up in the net?"

"Your father sighted the tuna net and just couldn't help himself. He went right for it, and I followed."

"But porpoises aren't attracted to tuna nets like these idiotic dolphins."

Well, Stewbie, the other thing I've been meaning to tell you...You're a hybrid child."

Idea credits: ams & ll.

Which way should the story go? Will Stewarth accept his heritage as an aquatic mule, or will the startling news drive him over the edge? Leave your comments!

the Purpose and the Porpoise - Part 3

2006-03-22T00:08:00.000-08:00

Stewarth emerged from the ancient cathedral rubbing his fins together wickedly, his plan was progressing nicely. Fish On Fridays was about to be expanded.

The guardian squirrel had given him the idea. Those "tuna loving" dolphins, she had said. Sure dolphins were pretty smart, but they couldn't stay away from the siren call of the tuna net.

Next he met with the American Tuna Producers Co-op, and convinced them to change their slogan. Got Mammal?

Stewarth's ability to fly was a great help in his campaign to erradicate the dolphins because he didn't have to take the bus. As a rule, he avoided public transportation whenever he could.

The denouement of his subtle schemes came on the following Thursday, as he watched the first load of dolphins being carried into the tuna plant. As he sailed over the cargo hold of the ship at dock, rejoicing in the cocophany of dolphin cries, a particular voice caught his attention.

"Stewarth, my darling little boy, is that you?"

"Mother?"

Which way should the story go? Is Stewarth's mother a porpoise or a dolphin (and ergo her son too)? Leave your comments!

Discussion: Hybrid Animals

2006-03-21T00:14:00.000-08:00

I have been reading the book "The Once and Future King" by T.H. White, which deals with King Arthur, the sword in the stone, etc. There are several animals worthy of note in this book, but the one that stands out the most is named Glatisant, also called the Questing Beast, because it is one man's job to quest after it and capture it.

Glatisant has the head of a snake, the torso of a leopard, and the rear of a horse.

What makes her (I think it's a her) funny are some of the human qualities that the author gave her. She fell in love with a guy that had dressed up as another questing beast, and then laid seige to a city waiting for her love to come out. When one of the main characters finally explains the situation (Merlin told him to "psycoanalyze" the beast), she falls for her analyst.

What is it about personification that is so funny? Case in point: A turtledove, sitting on a toilet, reading a newspaper. Hilarious! But why?

the Purpose and the Porpoise - Part 2

2006-03-20T01:21:00.000-08:00

The Guardian Squirrel has always existed. It’s not to say that she was never born, but it is to say that she probably will be at some point in the future. The meaning of her own existence gave her migraines; she tried not to dwell on it.

Her name was Florae, and she was hot (attractive). Stewarth didn’t find her especially appealing, but then they were different species. Florae was for the most part attractive to other squirrels.

Florae’s intervention took the shape of making Stewarth freeze in midair, so he did not fall back into the river full of piranha at this point.

“Oh, you poor little dolphin! You’re bitten all over and you’ve smashed your short little nose. I am a Guardian Squirrel, my dear little bottlenose, and I shall grant you…”

“I am NOT a dolphin!” cried our hero. “You ignorant rodent, you sage of the stupid, you…” Stewarth carried on like this for some few minutes. Florae was not a proud squirrel, however, and instead of being offended by his outburst, she felt duly ashamed of her mistake.

“My dear porpoise, I beg your forgiveness. Of course you are not one of those filthy, self-important, tuna loving creatures. The porpoise is the noblest of beasts, and for my mistake, I shall grant you a wish.”

“Do you truly mean what you say of the dolphins, that they are undeserving scum?” To Florae’s wholehearted consent, Stewarth responded: “Then for my wish I wish for the power of flight.”

Florae didn’t understand what flying had to do with hating dolphins, but she wanted this conversation to end, for she wasn’t really racist, and was only bashing dolphins to appease the present company.

With his new powerful fins and his lightweight bones, Stewarth left his former home for good, and set out upon his great expedition, the annihilation of every last dolphin.

the Purpose and the Porpoise

2006-03-19T22:20:00.000-08:00

Animals are funny. I want to find out why. I also want to indulge my up-till-now secret desire to write short stories.

Rather complex in character for a porpoise, Stewarth hated himself. Part of the problem was that he hated the world. Animals, vegetables, and minerals in general couldn't tell him apart from dolphins. Stewarth hated dolphins, too.

"Look at the midget dolphin," the others would say.

"But I'm not a freaking dolphin," our man would say. "I'm an entirely different species."

Stewarth also had a secret desire to fly. He had wings, of a sort; he only wanted to change the medium of his environment, from liquid to gas. Of course, he didn't tell this to the others. He hated them. This is the story of how Stewarth gained the ability to fly, but put it to bad use in plotting for the genocide of dolphins everywhere.

Our hero was lazily following a tasty school of fish. He had already eaten, but wanted more (the glutton). The school of fish surprised Stewarth by leaving the ocean and swimming up one of the rivers that emptied in the area. Stewarth followed them for some time in the murky river water.

Suddenly he got his short snout caught in some weeds, and by the time he had freed himself, he had lost sight of the fish. He swam ahead a few meters and ran smack dab into a school of piranha.

With the vicious fish nipping at his triangular dorsal fin, Stewarth swam for his life in the opposite direction. As the feisty little carnivores got eye level with him, he knew he had to do something drastic. With a graceful upward motion, he was suddenly above the surface of the water.

His nose rammed directly into the side of a bridge. It was a covered wooden bridge, the type you see in coffee table books about Vermont. But this was no ordinary bridge. The guardian squirrel of this very peculiar bridge saw the porpoise's distress, and decided to intervene...